My spiritual journey 3: After rain comes sunshine!
I will start this story with the rain and will end with the sunshine I am experiencing now!
A few weeks ago I felt like I was at the bottom of the ocean. Everything was blurred with a grey layer, I felt deep insecurities, old memories came up and I started wondering why the hell am I doing all of this? I couldn't enjoy things anymore. I realised that everything I was holding on to before was gone and I even felt like a part of my identity left. Who am I? What do I want at this moment? I had to come out of my comfort zone and it felt so uncomfortable. Internally some things had to shift and release. Staying in hostels didn't give me the space to release these feelings and I kept having the feeling that I wanted to walk away from people.
I gave myself healing sessions daily for a week, followed by a siesta for a reset. I did a lot of yoga, meditation and went for many massages. I treated myself on some lovely lunches and dinners. And these things have really made my days somewhat brighter. I have experienced these emotions for about a week with 3 really tough days and some good/okay days in between. Learning Spanish was one of the things that triggered all of this. But quickly I recognised how these feelings of 'not being good enough' were part of a programming that was still there. Some deeper layers that only appear when I am not in a good mental headspace and get the 'right' triggers.
I did realise that these feelings were temporary, but I think it took me a few days to fully surrender to it. Somewhere I was trying to get rid of them with the spiritual practices and also this worked controversial. It took away the discomfort at the time but in order to release the root it was necessary to learn, understand and surrender to the feelings. I remember when the shift was happening. It happened in a split second. I was asking myself, what more do I need to understand and feel? Suddenly the bigger story appeared and I felt compassion for myself. I felt proud that I finally created the circumstances to face the things that were holding me back.
At home in Amsterdam I was very much in my comfort zone (especially during the lockdown), focusing on Beyond Egos & self development/learning. The weekends I spend with my partner. Something was missing, my private and social life wasn't very rich. Some individual people were close to me, but I didn't have a tribe or community to enjoy life with. And this is such an important piece of the puzzle. It's so easy to live an individualistic lifestyle and focus on work. But that was not what was going to make me feel fulfilled. Even though I loved my work so much. I was telling myself often that I need to be alone, because of my sensitivity. But I realised that a part of this was just an excuse to stay in my comfort zone. I also believe that being between 4 walls too often is not healthy at all. And at home this became so normal!
At the moment I feel like I am reborn and I am experiencing a lot of happy feelings, abundance and freedom on many levels. I feel a deeper connection to myself and experience a deeper connection to nature and other people as well. It’s like I can enjoy everything so much more. After I had this shift my Italian housemate dragged me to a dinner with some people. This was the first night that I experienced so much happiness again. After the dinner I learned some salsa/bachata/merengue and she letterly had to pull me home in a taxi one hour after the curfew. The day after she dragged me into an airbnb with people I didn't know and they turned out to be really nice people that I am still seeing now. This weekend we go away for the weekend again and we will do a ceremony together.
When I felt down I decided to post some of my dreams in a Gran Canaria Facebook group with the main message that I was looking for a conscious community to live in. I received such beautiful messages and one of the recommendations seems to be exactly what I was looking for. Today (on the new moon) I got the confirmation that I will go live with them for 2 weeks (after this weekend already) and if everything clicks I will stay here for a longer amount of time! They live a holistic lifestyle full of connection and nature while still keeping individuality and freedom. They organise conscious events, grow their own vegetables and live from their own electricity. The people seem very warm and authentic, I am over the moon to go to this place and experience this new way of living. I choose a big room so that I could even give private healing sessions here (if not possible outside). When I felt like I was at the bottom of the ocean I really felt the desire to do Ayahuasca ceremonies again, so I will be doing this next weekend. I am very curious how these things will unfold and will try and keep you up to date!
