This journey has stretched me so much.
6 years ago, I was travelling to experience joy, explore the world and feel free. Today I was here to seek, expand and learn. Maybe before I enter my next destination I should be a bit more careful what I wish for… I have been in many situations that have pushed me out of my comfort zone. I have experienced all different feelings on the spectrum and beyond. I had to face shadows that were hidden away in the routine of my old daily life.
Before I Ieft the Netherlands, I thought I would start a nomadic lifestyle, living my dream while doing healing and volunteer work in different places. What I mainly have done in those places is taking care of and healing myself. I did have opportunities to establish new things and a few times I nearly did, but to be honest I didn't feel the call in my heart. It was my mind telling me that I should do it, which to me means I shouldn't do it at all. I feel grateful that I could maintain some work online, interesting enough mostly with friends and close clients. I guess this journey was meant for myself and I was meant to let go of this feeling of having to serve others' for a bit. In a way it felt selfish at times but now I look back on my journey it's probably the opposite. I have felt pretty useless and meaningless sometimes but now I look back at my journey I realise how it's the opposite. I realise how much better I can be there for others after this journey.
In comparison to six years ago I noticed how much more comfortable I feel by spending time on my own. Often more comfortable than with other people actually. I used to think that I was such a 'social' person, but this trip has showed me how much time I need for self care and introspection. I feel that I can trust my intuition, I know when I can or cannot trust people or situations. I know when I should act or when I shouldn't. This gives me such a strong feeling of safety. Although at other times I realise that there are still many things in the world that can hurt or kill me which makes me feel vulnerable sometimes. I feel like I am nothing in this big universe but everything at the same time. In the end we have to accept that we are 'vulnerable' in this physical body and anywhere in the world stuff can happen to us. I feel more trust that things go the way they should go, whatever way that is. I can plan out my future to have some sort of sense of control but why would I act out of this fear for life and resistance? It is limiting and blocks me from moving forward. I stopped caring more about what other people think and stopped feeling attached to materialist objects and identity matters. When I introduce myself to new people I try and tell them about who I am rather than what I have done.
I learned how to express my feelings and needs in an authentic and non violent way. I practiced intimacy and presence in order to connect deeper. I have released obstacles that worked against my learning processes. I realise the difference between knowing and experiencing. In the end we all know many things already, but we don't act up on it. These six months feel like one big integration process of what I have learned about life and myself. I learned how to embrace darkness and I learned how to not look at it in such a dualistic way. Those moments of 'darkness' push me forward the most.
And what have I found while seeking? New friends, new spiritual practices, I discovered new personal interests, I have connected to deeper layers of myself, I have learned new healing modalities, I have found a new partner and so much more!
What an intense but enriching journey. And the journey continues! I will only be in the Netherlands for 2 months which will be a stopover for my next step: "living in Chili". It's exciting how adventurous life can be and interesting how we think we are controlling it. But actually we are just experiencing. The more I can surrender to this idea the more I feel synchronicity and flow. Some days more than others but that's okay.
